The Atomic Drop

Opening segment: Cena and Orton face off

• I’m pleased as punch to see the old WWF logo on the Raw Roulette wheel. I’m not pleased to see yet another match between these two. I haven’t even seen all their matches, yet I’ve seen it too often.
• At least it isn’t Orton vs Triple H.
• You know, I kinda miss Trips. He has a habit of making me want to see him work again whenever he’s away.
• I’m pulling for the pillow fight. Randy would own in a pillow fight.
• How many women want to have a pillow fight with Randy Orton?
• Tables? Really?
• What’s a Song and Dance match?
• Was I the only one that saw ____ On a Pole and thought of Judy Bagwell?
• Of course I was. Stupid question.
• I’m thinking it’s time to retire the scratch logo and move in another direction.

This post is crazy long, so hit the jump if you want to keep reading!

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I’ve been engrossed in my new DVD obsession of late, Raw: The Beginning. The first disc was rife with the heel version of Doink the Clown, played wonderfully by Matt Bourne. Bourne was also one hell of a worker.

Bourne is still alive and working indies. I wish I could say the same for most of the other wrestlers on these discs.

Thus far, those no longer with us as seen on Raw: The Beginning:

Yokozuna

Mr. Perfect

Bam Bam Bigelow

Lord Alfred Hayes

Joey Marella (referee and son of Gorilla Monsoon)

Stu and Helen Hart

Crush

Luna Vachon

I’m sure I’ll see more by the time I get through all four discs.

I was twelve when these matches aired. I’m nearly thirty.

I know a lot of you reading are about as young as I was, or a bit older. Try to think seventeen years into the future. How many of your favorite wrestlers are dead?

It’s miserably sad.

This will cheer you up: Jerry Lawler is taunting the Harts. This feud was cut short a few months later when Lawler was arrested for being Lawler.

Which means he was accused of statutory rape. That’s so Lawler!

He was cleared, but it shows that on screen and off, Lawler is a major pig.

Okay, maybe that didn’t cheer anyone up.

I’ll get back to you on that one.

The referee for Shawn Michaels vs Marty Janetty back in 1993?

The manager of champions, Bill Alfonzo.

I thought he was only licensed in Pennsylvania and Florida. He shouldn’t be refereeing in New York. ;)

So will we see Darren Young join the ranks of wrestlers looking to stop Nexus? Will Commander Cody escape the rocket men from the moon? Stay tuned …
Did they change the opening video again?

Sheamus promo

• I’m entirely with Sheamus on American children.  Hopefully my child will be the exception.
• I really like the “It’s next week” sign.  Reminds me of the good old days of biweekly taped Raw episodes.
• Hasn’t Orton already been in prison? He did go AWOL. 
• On that note, who does that? Who signs up for military service, then runs away? There’s better ways to wash out then running from your mistakes.
• Throne? Is Sheamus going to take a shit?
• Were I Sheamus, I’d immediately name Santino.
• So does the GM have a different email address for the locker room? It seems like too many people are ready to go when the GM decides something.
• They should have a locker room camera and have someone backstage who find the guys the GM wants and sends them to gorilla.

Edge vs R. Truth

• It’s very hard to believe that the people involved in Creed perform Edge’s theme.  Really, you make this crowning music of awesome and then go back to making sappy Jesus rock?
• And now the opposite of awesome, R. Truth.
• I think I’ll take a nap during this match.
• Anyone remember when Truth was NWA champion?
• So, is Michael Cole becoming a heel on Raw as well? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Truth’s song either, but Cole is the babyface, no?
• I’m really going to lie down.  If anything interesting happens, I’ll comment on it.
• So first Lawler lampshades Sheamus wanting to pick a weak wrestler.  That was good.  Then, they ruin the Easter Bunny for kids.  Not as good.
• Not sure what I’ll do about said rabbit for my future offspring.  Perhaps rather than outright lying, just make it a game? Suggestions?
• Pretty dull match.  I dug that Edge dodged that ugly Truth kick that everyone else eats and hit the Spear for the pin.
• My sister, about to turn 21, told me that she thinks Edge is too old to be wrestling.  Edge debuted in WWE when she was seven.  Therefore, she may be right.

I never got to see Cena and Miz last year.  Hope they turn it up.
Never seen Warehouse 13.  Looks interesting.
Anyone else see that the Chinese press had pictures of Shawn Michaels wrestling in their coverage? Odd stuff.

The Great Khali with Runjin Singh vs Chris Jericho

• I have a Runjin Singh trading card. I’ll show it to you guys later.
• Why do I smell cigarette smoke? I hope I’m not having a stroke.
• Anyone remember when Khali was world champion? Yes, you can remember.  This was real, not like that Satanic ritual abuse you thought you suffered at a day care center in the 80’s. (Note: I read too much Wikipedia at work.  Please ignore my ramblings.)
• I just got up to shoo a cricket outside and ended up killing it.  Did anything interesting happen? Nah, who am I kidding, it’s Kahli!
• Nice finishing sequence.  Nice to see Jericho fell a giant.
• These guys aren’t going to impress Sheamus with accolades, they’ll impress him by losing.  Or, getting a sunburn.

I thought I didn’t have any snark in me tonight, but I guess I do.  Hours of talking to people in hotels, I guess.

John Cena interview

• Does Cena speak in declarative statements when he’s not on camera as well?

It’s the stripper pole ad for Smackdown on SyFy! Oh boy!

Diva’s Championship Match: Jillian vs Melina

• Melina looks much better when she’s dressed like a human being.
• Wait, Need for Feed is sponsoring Raw? I might need to go there again.  Yay ribs!
• Boston gets Raw 900? It should be in NY! Where Raw started! Where the people aren’t smelly tools! (Note: Apologies to any Bostonian readers.  Tom gets cranky when the Yankees lose.)
• Jillian is getting in a lot of offense, and they shouldn’t be mocking tennis.  USA has tennis, and it starts up again soon.
• I really love that Melina finisher.  She’s really fluid, even against stiffs like Jillian.
• It would actually be cooler if she started doing the Canadian Destroyer.
• Unification match at Night of Champions? Yes, please.

Miz interview

• Why is Cena glomming all over Miz and Bryan? When did he become Hulk Hogan?
• That was the best Miz promo ever.  Big ups to him and whoever is writing his stuff.

That throne really can’t be that comfortable.

Wade Barrett and Nexus promo/GM ruins Sheamus’ night

• Hmm, isn’t Barrett due a title shot?
• Well, not much of a promo, but a cool expository segment.
• Sheamus’ facials are improving.

The Miz vs John Cena

• These ring entrances just get longer and longer.  Too much time is wasted.
• Then again, this isn’t going to be Thez vs Brisco (Note: Jack, not Mark or Jay.  Or Gerald for that matter.)
• When I played basketball as a child, I couldn’t make free throws, mostly because I never got fouled so I didn’t bother practicing for it.  My coach made me take free throws until I started hitting them repeatedly.  I got better, then eventually automatic.  The agents need to make Cena run into the ring post repeatedly until he gets it right.  He hits that post and exposes the business harder than Dave Meltzer with a live mic.
• Sheamus looks like he’s about to fall asleep.  Can I join him?
• Woke right up when Miz shook off the bulldog attempt.  That worked nicely.
• Haven’t seen anyone cut off a Cena comeback like that, well, ever. 
• The SCF requires too much set up.  Miz need to go back to moves he can pull out of nowhere.
• Hmm, no tap on the STF.  Miz really is the future.  Perhaps this is why we haven’t pulled the trigger on on Miz vs Sheamus yet.
• Bryan gets his revenge and Miz gets a win over Cena. 
• Ooh, the LeBell Lock.  Hell of a move.  Looks much more devastating than the STF.

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs The Usos with Tamina

• Remember when Santino pinned Umaga for the Intercontinental title? In Italy? And we all laughed because Santino is just a rib on Gorilla Monsoon?
• Never thought I’d see Santino in a tag team where he does most of the work.
• Kozlov == Robert Gibson 2010.
• That actually wasn’t terrible for what it was.  Kozlov hasn’t gotten the pin in a while.
• I’m actually curious if Tamina’s mother is the women that Snuka may have killed or been involved in her death.  I don’t mean that to be tasteless; it’s just curiosity.
• “I think she likes me.” Santino is a master of understatement.

Holy crap, The Big Event!
Dang, all those guys are in the HOF.  When is Jake Roberts getting in?
I’ve actually never seen that show.  Might have to go looking for it.
My first Raw moment: Seeing Luna Vachon tear the top off the late Sherri Martel.  This was the ancillary feud to Shawn Michaels vs Tatanka back in 1993.

Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs John Morrison vs Randy Orton

• Well, Michael Cole, I think Sheamus is going to choose Jay Uso, because he sucks, but that’s just me.
• “Orton is so orange, ‘cause he tans so much / I hear cancer in his skin it cries to me.” Or something like that.  So so orange. 
• Beyond that, Orton is looking better these days.  Hair is a good thing on a man his size.
• Can Orton RKO both these guys and end the show so I can watch NXT and go to bed? May as well cut to the chase.
• Flash kick? Is Morrison suddenly Guile from Street Fighter II? For his next trick, he throws a Sonic Boom!
• Sonic Boom!
• Sonic Boom!
• Sorry, I was having arcade flashbacks.  Kids used to throw Sonic Booms over and over again.
• Ooh, I see a welt forming on Morrison’s back after that sloppy DiBiase neckbreaker.
• Again with the flash kick? Sonic Boom!
• Speaking of Streat Fighter, isn’t Kofi Kingston just Dee Jay from Super Street Fighter II?
• I guess there’s no pretty way to counter Dream Streets.
• That was an awesome RKO.  Finishers that come from out of nowhere are the best.
• Hey, both guys got RKOed.  I could totally book Raw.  Dammit Vince, hand me the pencil!
• Sonic - nah, sorry, it’s over.
• Randy is taking the Ace Crusher to new heights.  Beyond Austin, beyond DDP, beyond Johnny Ace. 
• Fuck Johnny Ace.

Sheamus interview

• Or not.

Sheamus promo

• Show me Jay Uso!!!
• Why was there a referee at ringside? Did he not go back to the locker room?
• Ryder? Hah!
• Hah even!
• You know a gimmick is bad when it makes me regret dating someone from Long Island.

WWE Championship: Sheamus vs Zack Ryder

• Email noise? Please? Don’t make me watch Ryder wrestle.
• Or the Brogue Kick.  That works just as well.
• Lovely squash.
• Now, can we have the email noise?
• Crap, Bourne got more offense in weeks ago.  Happy to see it.
• Uh, Sheamus, you don’t have to defend, but they’ll make you do it.

Wade Barrett interrupts Sheamus’ promo/The GM further interrupts

• This final segment is getting convoluted.
• I really wish we would have an all-British Isles championship match, but I know there’s a Six-Pack Challenge about to be booked.
• That may be the first time anyone popped for Wade Barrett doing anything.
• The GM must type 200 + WPM, which is impossible.  They need to work on that.
• And there it is.  Barrett will rampage next week.
• Love the look on Jericho’s face.
• Dear ABC, make more Downfall episodes.  Screw Shaq Vs.
• Not sure if I like Orton in another multi-man match.  He tends to get lost in the shuffle.
• Honestly, I want Sheamus to survive this, then maybe drop to Miz.  Overcoming five guys would be huge for him.  This could set up a rematch at Hell in a Cell.
• I guest turnabout is fair play for Barrett.
• The crowd loved that last sequence, as silly as it was.  Very stagy, but a great final image.

Excited for next week’s show.  Not only is it Raw 900, a local comedy troupe is going to live riff on the show.  All over that.

Please say for the  900th episode they finally ditch this terrible Nickelback song.

I still think that SummerSlam was a boatload of fun. Not a perfect show, but let’s be honest, there really isn’t such a thing.

Nexus promo/Cena interrupts

• Barrett had a good promo there.  Of course, they’re not going to get their heat back with words alone.
• Cena’s promo is a little flat.
• A small portion of the crowd loves them some Daniel Bryan.
• Cena did say what I was thinking about both Otunga and Tarver.
• Wow.  Photoshop trolling.  Wonderful.
• Gay jokes? Really?
• I know Cena is the top babyface, but I’d rather see a more serious face taking on Nexus.  Perfect role for Randy Orton (see, I don’t hate him, cats and kittens).
• When did WWE adopt the “You tapped out” bit from indie crowds? What’s next? “You got bitch slapped?” “You got served?” “She’s a crack whore?”
• So far, Nexus didn’t regain any heat and Cena was merely annoying.

Nexus vs Team WWE

Wade Barrett vs Chris Jericho

• Jericho technically gets to wrestle babyface tonight.  So far that appears to be his want.
• I have to wonder if anyone actually gets eliminated from Nexus tonight.  All seven members winning would return all their heat.
• Why does it say Paper Jamz when there is no Paper Jamz?
• It seems like every other heel has a boot to the face spot.  Barret should be differentiating himself, not doing the same as the other heels.
• Wonderful reversal of the Codebreaker.  Decent, if short, match.

Guest host segment/New tag titles/Nexus challenge Bret Hart

• Is that Chris Hardwick, aka @nerdist? No, no it isn’t.  I have no idea who the short guy is, and frankly, I no longer give a fuck.
• The cheap heat and cheap pops were killing me there.  Stick to the romcoms, fellas.
• Okay, I legitimately just thought “when are they getting new belts? It’s been years!” And then they announced new belt.
• Bret’s not taking a 450.

Nexus vs Team WWE

Michael Tarver vs Daniel Bryan

• They should totally license “The Final Countdown” for Bryan’s entrance.
• Holy crap, Bryan is about to cave in Tarver’s chest.
• Oh, hello Miz and Riley.  How not surprising
• Here’s hoping this does lead to that rumored match at the next PPV.
• So that’s two for Nexus.  Who will Cena boot from Nexus tonight?

The Miz and Alex Riley backstage

• I guess they need to reestablish Miz as a heel.  They do not want him getting cheers.  They do not want the crowd to sing along with him.
• I really want to see Bryan show up on NXT tonight and lock Cattle Mutilation on Riley.

Nexus backstage

• Of course Darren Young chooses John Cena.  He called him out earlier.

Nexus vs Team WWE

Justin Gabriel vs Bret “The Hitman” Hart (Did not take place)

• After last night, I can assume that Bret has gotten clearance to do a little bit more.
• Or not.  Damn you phantom GM.

Nexus vs Team WWE (Kinda sorta)

Justin Gabriel vs Randy Orton

• Orton is looking orange again.  I guess either the TV at Buffalo Wild Wings didn’t pick up his tint properly, or Orton looks less orange next to Sheamus.  Take your pick.
• So when does Sheamus show up to screw Orton?
• Right after I type the question, apparently.
• See, I can sense the pattern.  Team WWE will continue to underestimate Nexus, or will be too wrapped up in their own shit to defeat them.
• So four referees show up to stop Orton from attacking Gabriel.  Where were they when Sheamus appeared? Is WWE hiring referees out of the TNA Security pool?
• That last RKO was the icing on the cake.  As I wrote last night, I’m really liking Orton and Sheamus.  Best Orton has been in six years.
• Did Michael Cole steal The Undertaker’s tie?

Nexus vs Team WWE

Skip Sheffield and David Otunga vs John Morrison and R. Truth

• Funny thing is, I just took a bathroom break.  That’s not the funny part.  I guessed at the pairings while in there.  And save for knowing there would be a tag match, I called this.  Figured Sheffield would want the little guy, and Slater would want Edge.
• Christ, what an asshole.  I hate this song.
• Bring back Pretty Ricky!
• Yeah, Michael Cole is in charge of Nexus.  I’m saying it now.  He wasn’t involved in the beatdown back on Viewers Choice night.  That will come back into play.
• Ted DiBiase still beefing with Morrison? I gather Miz has moved on from Truth.
• Of course, Truth and Morrison beat themselves all the time.
• Get your minds out of the gutter.
• Well, that was nothing to write home about.  I’m seeing the potential in Sheffield I saw months ago.

Six Diva Tag Team Match: Eve Torres, Melina and Gail Kim vs Maryse, Jillian and Alicia Fox

• I’m just surprised that they gave Jillian a victory.  That is all.
• I popped mildly for the Boogieman reference.

Edge interview/Heath Slater interrupts

• That was, interesting, I guess.
• Slater really patterned himself after Charlie Dreamer.  Look him up.

Nexus vs Team WWE

Heath Slater vs Edge

• I’m interested to see if Edge works babyface and if these two get more time than Jericho and Barrett.
• Slater’s trunks are too sparkly.  Did I mention that last night?
• Burger King chants > Wendy’s chants.
• You could clearly hear a fan in the first row telling Slater that he hates him.
• So, Edge has no program with anyone.  Will he actually job to Slater?
• As I write that, Slater steals the count-out victory.  That’s one way.
• Odds on Cena doing the job to Young? Or will Nexus lose a member?
• They’re doing a solid job of giving Nexus their heat back.  I was very impressed with Barrett and Sheffield in the ring.

The Great Khali and Justin Long backstage/the other goobers show up/The Bellas save the day

• Shouldn’t Santino be in this segment?
• Have I mentioned how much I love the Bella Twins? They can save any tanking segment just by showing up.  They light up the room.

I still love that they show a clip of Shawn Michaels vs Vader from SummerSlam 1996.  Shawn loses his shit at one point after Vader moves too far way from an elbow drop.  Classic bratty Shawn.

Nexus vs Team WWE

Darren Young vs John Cena

• Can’t John Cena pick a neutral color for his merchandise? Soon the arena’s will be so purple you’d think it was a Prince concert.
• That damn Psych promo made me want a burrito.
• Can someone get Cena some trunks? Or a singlet?
• Darren Young looked good for two weeks on NXT.  Beyond that, not so much.  He’s making Cena look like Lou Thez.
• Lou Thez, kids.  Google him.  You’ll get more hits than Charlie Dreamer.  Sorry, Charlie ;)
• What the hell was that dropping to a knee thing Young was doing?
• I need to do a research study.  Whose comebacks were more ridiculous: John Cena or Hulk Hogan.
• Yeah, that’s not surprising.
• And now Nexus will kill Young.  The most logical part of the segment.
• I think Nexus should start recruiting.  Maybe pick up some midcarders who want to be bigger.
• Of course, they shouldn’t recruit too much.  But it would be interesting if more joined their cause, whatever it ends up being.

Is it wrong that I wanted Cena to turn heel so all the little kids would cry?

Still not too keen on a team of heels and babyfaces.

John Cena promo/Jericho interrupts

• I’m pretty sure we sat near all those Cena marks when Mrs. Atomic and I went to Tables, Ladders and Chairs in that building.
• Actually, Cena, there was warning.  Barrett basically told us that he was going to do something.  Were you not watching the monitor?
• Is a promo really necessary here? We kind of got the point last week.
• I was with him when he said he was Aquaman (hence all the orange), but then that bit went entirely awry.
• Jericho always has a fantastic suit.
• Digging the “Downfall is Jericho” sign.  Been loving that show this summer.
• Remember kids, I live in Austin.  Not in San Antonio with all these bottom feeders.
• I wonder if they’re building to September’s feud.
• I swear I just heard Cena’s voice crack.
• Jericho appears to be speaking for the smart fans.
• Are the fans booing the GM or Michael Cole?
• Okay, I like elimination matches.

Randy Orton vs Jay Uso with Jimmy Uso and Tamina

• Poor Sheamus.  He gets a sunburn every time he comes to Texas.
• Will the Usos please shut the lights off when they’re done?
• Did Jimmy steal that getup from The Mean Street Posse?
• Oh, hello MIz.  I guess we should get used to this.
• I have to agree with Michael Cole.  Orton has finally hit his stride.  This is the best I’ve seen from him since the summer prior to his babyface turn in 2004.

Edge butters up Ted DiBiase and Maryse

• Forgive me for spending this promo gawking at Maryse.
• I’d want Khali around.  He’s actually good for getting multiple Nexus guys eliminated.

Sheamus and Miz are interrupted by the GM

• Okay, this might be decent.

Woohoo! The MegaPowers!

Oh, that’s right.  Can’t show Hogan or Savage.  Fucking Honky.

Edge and Khali backstage

• Is there really a Hindi word for “nincompoop?”

The Great Khali with Runjin Singh vs Edge (I guess this was a no-contest.)

• It’s a little painful to have Cole alone on commentary.
• Hello Nexus.  Thanks for making this match more bearable.

Elimination Match: The Nexus vs Jerry Lawler, Yoshi Tatsu, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, Goldust and The Hart Dynasty

• It’s the Raw Midcard and color man.  Nexus must be quaking in their boots.
• I now want to see Bourne vs Gabriel one on one.
• That flying fistdrop was the only time Cole has said “vintage” and been right.
• However, Michael Cole is still unable to do math.
• I’m mildly amused that half these guys couldn’t beat each other and now they’re plowing through Raw.
• Down to the two smallest male members of the main roster.  Amusing booking as well.
• Can I watch a show with just Nexus? Oh, wait, I did.  And they weren’t nearly this interesting.
• Otunga is a bit sloppy with his Spinebuster.

Nexus promo

• Damn, these guys haven’t learned to talk yet, have they? Ugh, poor segment.

Miz and Sheamus backstage

• Do they need to dent that Halliburton any further?

Brie Bella with Nicki Bella vs Alicia Fox

• So what’s the line on the switcheroo bit happening again?
• Switcheroo interruptus?
• If heels keep beating up Jillian, will she quit singing and turn face?

Ted DiBiase with Maryse vs John Morrison

• King has women like Maryse on his arm all the time.  Well, at least in terms of age.
• Lawler has switched to Diet Coke? Did he drop the Twinkies as well?
• Very little interest in this feud.  I like both these guys, but they’ve done nothing to make me care.
• Morrision has a beard coming in.  Mixed with this loss and falling out with Truth, I smell a heel turn coming.  Huzzah!

I want a Slurpee.  That is all.

Randy Orton interview

• That was Orton’s audition reel for The Jersey Shore.

The Miz and Sheamus vs Chris Jericho and John Cena

• This match is just a party of weird haircuts.
• Cameraman under Jericho choking Sheamus deserves an award.  That was a fantastic shot.
• Can Miz cash in the contract during a match? If so, that’s what I’d do.
• Jericho’s springboard dropkick looked great.
• Hmm, is Eugene the GM? Does anyone remember Eugene?
• It appears Cena doesn’t know the tag rules.  That rope is there for a reason.
• Great logic there for Jericho.  Why would he want Cena to win? Additionally, huge
• Well, looks like someone in creative realized that we couldn’t heels and faces playing nice together.

Triple Threat Match for Number One Contender: Randy Orton vs Chris Jericho vs Edge

• Damn, is Oklahoma backwards or what?
• Solid way to start the show.
• Orton’s double backdrop reversal was awesome.  Best he’s done in years.
• I’d love to see a proper elimination match between these three.  They’re quite well matched.
• Action has been amazing.  So awesome.
• Don’t know if Orton vs Sheamus 2 will be any good, but Orton worked hard to earn that spot.

Edge promo/Jericho answers/Nexus interrupts

• This is interesting.  I like this “plying for Nexus’ attention” bit.
• Nobody’s safe.  Amusing.
• It’s not often people get heat for beating up heels.

Faces.  Heels.  Nexus.  So long as the latter two groups don’t completely merge (*cough*NWO*cough*), it’s all good.

Wade Barrett interview/Sheamus visits Barrett

• Damn.  Everything sounds and looks fresh these days.  I like how WWE has been going recently.

John Cena promo

• Cena looks like Harry Potter with that cut.

Eve Torres vs Maryse with Ted DiBiase

• Honestly, I’m with Ted on this one.  Maryse got jobbed.  Can we have some logic to our screwy finishes?

Sheamus promo/Miz interrupts

• He is 3-0 against Cena.  How many other WWE guys can make that claim?
• Solid promo.
• I like the idea of Miz hovering over Sheamus.
• Hello again, phantom GM.  Hello proper push for Bourne.

Sheamus vs Evan Bourne

• Glad they started the match before the commercial.
• He’s the Miz, and he’s stroking that briefcase.
• Nearly though Sheamus was going for a chicken wing.
• Bourne’s comeback was fantastic.  Decent match with lots of great Bourne offense.
• Great post-match as well.  Excellent quarter hour.

Miz interview

• Love, love, love the new intensity from The Miz.

Saw the Highway to Hell match live on PPV.  I was seventeen.

Sheamus and Orton backstage

• No need to yell at the hot ladies, Sheamus.
• Promos tonight have been rather homoerotic, no?

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs Zack Ryder and William Regal

• Cute stuff.  Spent more time attempting to find out how many of those near 900 episodes of Raw I’ve seen.  I’ve watched since 1993.  How many of you guys can say that? ;)

Wade Barrett vs Mark Henry

• Nothing to mention, save THE SICK FUCKING BUMP HENRY TOOK!!! Ouch!!!

Nexus/John Cena Summit/Cena’s Heroes assemble

• Heath Slater’s hair is past regulation length.  Fire him, Costanza!
• Stop handing Tarver the mic!
• Barrett wants something bigger than peace.  He wants Utopia, and so do I.
• Cena should have joined Nexus.  I wanted to see all the little kids crying.
• Ugh, heels and faces on the same team.  Better than all the heals with Nexus, I guess.
• Welcome back, Bret.  Can’t wait to see your SummerSlam history continue.

I have more great SummerSlam memories of Bret Hart than WrestleMania memories.  Here are some of my favorites:

Bret Hart vs Mr. Perfect

Intercontinental Title

SummerSlam 1991

Bret Hart vs The British Bulldog

Intercontinental Title

SummerSlam 1992

The Hart Foundation vs the Brain Busters

Tag Team Championships

SummerSlam 1989

Bret Hart vs Owen Hart

WWF Championship

SummerSlam 1994

Bret Hart vs The Undertaker

WWF Championship

SummerSlam 1997

That’s nearly every SummerSlam appearance for Bret.  He makes it memorable.  SummerSlam belonged to Bret, and eventually The Undertaker.

Bret Hart and Teddy Long promo/Randy Orton interrupts/As does Edge

• Smart move getting the PPV main event in matches throughout the card.
• Bret and Teddy have decent chemistry.
• Oh, hello Randy. Why were you just hanging out at gorilla there?
• Um, I’m viewing, and I don’t want to see this match again.
• And here come the silly gimmicks.  Miami should have voted for the debate.

Matt Stryker really wants to be Ryan Seacrest.

Bodyslam Challenge: The Big Show vs Chris Jericho

• Thanks, fans.  This should be unwatchable.
• We can’t give Stryker a mic? I need him to eat Cole alive for three hours.
• Nice of Lawler to hang a lampshade on Jericho’s arm psychology being entirely futile.
• Sweet touch with the extra two finishes.

Usos/Dudebusters/Khali and Hornswoggle promos

• Thanks to bewarethefreakchic for the heads up on the spelling of “Uso.”
• Massive pop in this home for the Khali and Hornswoggle.  In my old age, with a casual fan beside me, silly stuff like this may end up being as good as it gets.

Fans pick the opponents: The Hart Dynasty with Natalya vs The Great Khali and Hornswoggle

• I guess this proves the voting is legit.
• This may be at least amusing.
• And it was.  And they kept heat on the Usos.  

Is Lawler being arrested for statuatory rap again?

Nothing to say about Kane or Bradley Cooper.

Lawler gets shanghaied by the A-Team/A-Team meets The Bellas

• Well, at least the Bellas were there.

Vintage dance-off!

Dance-Off: Santino Marella vs Vladimir Kozlov (The crowd ruled this a draw.)

• Sometimes, it’s not good to be right.
• Why is there a referee?
• Cute stuff.  Enjoying the epic bromance between these two.

Diva Battle Royale: Layla, Michelle McCool, Brie Bella, Nicki Bella, Eve Torres, Alicia Fox, Gail Kim, Tiffany, Kelly Kelly, Rosa Mendes, Maryse and Jillian.

• Eh.  Keeps the heat on Maryse at least.  Thought the ending sequence was interesting.

I really don’t want to think about The Big Show pleasing me.

Sheamus and Kane backstage

• That was vaguely homoerotic.
• “And I don’t take kindly to liars!”

Fans Pick the Opponent: Sheamus vs Kane

• Well, they can certainly sway the vote.
• That powerslam was great.
• I just explained the history of Kane to my wife.  Christing, it’s terrible.
• We are due for a Taker vs Kane fued.  It’s been a good six years.  (Note: These two first feuded in 1997-98.  Six years later, 2003-2004, the feud resumed.)

Of course Kane hasn’t had vengence yet! Running around accusing everyone and their mother of killing your brother is not an effective way to solve a crime.

Cena vs one-third of the other three-fourths of the Smackdown four-way? Cool booking.

Wade Barrett promo

• Damn, he looks sharp.  And his snappy answer was awesome.

Ted DiBiase and Virgil meet the A-Team/IRS steals the show

• Huge pop for IRS repossessing the crown.  They should have called Barry Darsow to actually go take it.

Fans Pick the Tag Partners: R. Truth and John Morrison vs The Miz and Zack Ryder

• Thanks fans.  We could have had a fresh team here.  But nooooo.
• Thank you, Miz, for saying what the smart fans are all thinking.
• Okay, who is voting for Zack Ryder? Kids? Horny Long Island teens?
• Nice to see Miz got heat back on Morrison.  Sad to see Morrision buried though.
• Good that they showed the replay of the kick they failed to cover.

Edge yells at Bret Hart, then Kane accuses Bret

• Well, Bret and Taker do have history.
• “Vegitative State” is the new “in a space hospital.”

One-Armed Match: Edge vs Randy Orton

• At least it isn’t a blindfold match.
• Actually, that would have been better.  Shit finish.
• Orton’s shoulder is being repeatedly injured.  Why is he grabbing his elbow? 
• Will we ever see a clean finish between these two?

So much time wasted.  They could have done another match with all the time they waste recapping.

Cena and Bourne kiss each others asses, then Cena kisses our collective ass

• Mutual admiration society.
• “You guys hate me, but you’re smart.  I love you.”

Mean Gene interviews “Murdock” and insults Josh Matthews

• Massive pop for Okerlund.  Such great old-school fanservice tonight.

Fans Pick the Opponent: Drew McIntyre vs Mystery Man Matt Hardy

• Suspended from Smackdown, but not Raw.  As it read in the letter.  Good to see something that isn’t an ass pull.
• Damn, that’s brutal.  Matt’s scrambled brains have made him awesome.
• Great segment.

Money Inc. 2010 vs The A-Team featuring Roddy Piper and Dusty Rhodes

• My biggest massive pop of the night (assuming that makes sense).  Makes up for not getting The Rock.
• Dusty? This is suddenly made of awesome, even if it is silly as all hell.
• These segements ended up being fun, though I’ll still poke at them later.

Rey Mysterio, Jack Swagger and CM Punk interview

• Swagger is so awesome, he can prevent Rey and Punk from fighting.
• Punk is still the best promo out there.

Fans Pick the Opponent: John Cena vs CM Punk with Serena and Luke Gallows (Match ended in a no contest; see below)

• Cen’a reaction to the crowd actually looked classy.  While he’s all over the damn TV, he strikes me as someone humbled by what he has.  I hope that’s really the case.
• It’s clobberin’ time!
• Yeah, recap that angle, Cole, because nobody watching has been paying attention for the last month. 
• There’s nothing obstructive about Serena.  Yum-my.

NXT Invasion

I had to stop writing and just watch.  Easilly the most jarring segment ever.  The shot of Daniel Bryan choking Justin Roberts with his tie says it all.  (Note: Sadly, it also got Danielson fired as there’s a rule about choking people with ropes that aren’t strung or your hands.  Boo.)

WWE hit a home run here.  Best setup since the NWO.  The view of the carnage afterward was great.  They even found concerned fans to fixate on to highten the tension.

When the number one babyface survives everything thrown at him for years and could probably beat up eight main eventers with the way he’s been booked, there isn’t much you can do that would surprise people.  Taking eight workers from their rookie show, whom most of the fans had likely written off, having them appear out of nowhere to destroy that top babyface, succeed in their plans and wreck the set in the meantime makes for a very effective segment.  Bravo!

Beyond the best part of the show, I eventually had fun with the A-Team segments.

Most interesting part: The Bellas are the smartest people on the show.  Everyone else was like “Hey, you guys are the A-Team.” Yet The Bellas used their real names and treated them like the goofballs they were.  Smart and sexy.  I like it.

Back in action, as scheduled.  Miss me? ;)

Evan Bourne fights Edge/Edge promo/Randy Orton confrontation

• Well, that was random.  Why wasn’t that entire segment aired?
• By the way, this all happened a few miles from me.  Google spots it at nine miles.  If Smackdown was in town, I’d probably have gone to that.
• I apologize for the poor live crowd.  This isn’t really a hot wrestling town.  Pretty sure this was the first Raw held here.  They did Smackdown here last year.
• At least Edge found a way of engaging them.
• I’m glad they realized that Orton can’t talk.
• Very haphazard opening .  I wonder if something else was planned.  They should have used Bourne in an ROH town.  Good Edge promo.

Ashton Kutcher, Eve Torres and The Miz backstage

• So, they’re going to kill Zack Ryder?
• Ashton was hugging Eve a little tight back there.
• Do these assholes realized that if they had advertised Danielson vs The Miz the building would have been sold out?
• That segment was a bit long.  And why does it look like this?

R. Truth vs Chris Jericho

• So one week, Jericho is going for a shot at the WWE title, now he’s wrestling the US champ? Sad bump down.
• “Quirky style” or sloppy work?
• If anything is hurt, it’s Jericho’s back.  From carrying Truth.
• That facebuster spot looked messy.
• Wow.  Jericho did Truth a massive favor.  Hopefully this leads to a Jericho face turn.

Zack Ryder, Alicia Fox, Bret Hart and The Hart Dynasty backstage

• Oozles?

Eve Torres and Santino Marella vs Maryse and William Regal with Vladimir Kozlov

• Another fun Santino promo.
• Popped for the Vlad turn.  Fun undercard comedy match.

I’m sure the millitary appreciates having the Ashton Kutcher episode of Raw dedicated to them.

Bret Hart promo/Ted DiBiase and Virgil interrupt/Ashton Kutcher interjects/Vince McMahon appears

• Oh boy. Another three hour Raw.
• What’s with all the ugly Ashton Kutcher pretapes?
• Very surprised to see Vince.
• Also terribly confused by that promo.  Is Vince going to make life painful for Bret again?

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox confront Randy Orton/Edge attacks

• The Ryder stuff is already old.
• Edge salvaged this segment.

The Miz vs Daniel Bryan

• Why won’t the other workers be respectful and wipe their feet before entering the ring?
• So this makes Danielson undefeated on Raw, right?
• Yeah, I’d have bought a ticket had they advertised this match.  The aftermath was fantastic as well.

Ossows? and Tamina promo/Hart Dynasty attack

• Can I get a spelling on Osso??
• This promo is terrible.
• Why are you blaming fans, most of whom weren’t even alive in 1985, for Hogan politicking Jimmy Snuka out of main events?
• At the very least, bad promo aside, they’ve launched a formidable tag team to feud with the Harts.

Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox hit segment

• Yup, saw that coming from a mile away.  At least some of that segment was amusing.

Edge and Sheamus backstage

• One day in Texas and Sheamus has a sunburn.

Edge and Sheamus vs John Cena and Evan Bourne

• Huge rub for Bourne.  Crowd is eating him up as well.
• He’s doing a great job as Ricky Morton.  Beats watching Cena do it.
• The crowd finally woke up.  I suspect they’ll explode for the hot tag.
• And so they did.
• Fun stuff.  Small dose of John Cena, to great effect, hard work from both Sheamus and Edge and Bourne gets the finish and the pin.

Fun show.  Especially enjoyed the set up for the new tag team feud, Bryan vs The Miz and the main event.  There was a bit too much Ashton Kutcher for my taste.  Why didn’t he actually appear in Austin?

I now see why they they don’t run Austin often.  It looks like the crowd only cares about Orton and Cena.  Everyone else got weak heat, even Bret and Vince.  Sad stuff.

Two solid hours of Raw.  They better make it good.

Having Michael Cole present will make this painful.

Bret Hart promo/Chris Jericho confrontation

• I’d laugh at that Jays jersey, but at this rate, they might pass my slumping Yankees.
• That pop would have been bigger in Calgary.  Alberta, Canada.
• Shout out to Flair and Hogan there.
• I want the number of Jericho’s tailor.
• Surprised that Toronto isn’t going apeshit for Jericho.  Guess Bret is the only one Canadians will boo him against.
• This is fantastic.  At least we’re starting well.
• Jericho has it on eleven tonight.
• At least they’ve made the match something Bret can actually do.
• I know Bret goes over, but I don’t know how.  I guess The Hart Dynasty and, hell, why not all the babyfaces beat down Miz.  Jericho made a silly stipulation.

WWE shop ad with Great Khali, Ranjin Singh and Hornswoggle

• I popped for this one, as did my wife.

Pick Your Poison: Edge vs Christian

• Cool promo for what it was.
• Heard about this too.  They may not have acknowledged it, but this is still “brother vs brother” for me.
• Amazing match, and I’m only as far in as Edge’s offense.
• Neat armbar with the boot in the face, and a sweet counter to boot!
• If felt that stomp all the way down in Austin, Texas.  Ouch.
• Awesome finishing sequence with logic and psychology.

Real Pick Your Poison: Edge vs The Undertaker

• That’s a great swerve.  Still, this match was the main event at WrestleMania XIV.  This is a match that were it on PPV, people would jump at the chance to buy it.
• Well, they still popped the crowd after the count-out.  Must be nice to be Undertaker and get extended time off.

Maryse and Eve Torres backstage

• I have no idea who that was on the magazine cover.  Help?
• Vicious beatdown.  At least this feud has heat, if not good wrestling.

Buzz Aldrin, Lois Aldrin, Vickie Guerrero and The Bella Twins backstage

• The less Vickie, the better.

Mark Henry vs Batista (Note: This one didn’t get started.  Yes, again.)

• Ho!!!!
• Never thought I’d say this, but poor Mark Henry.  After fifteen years, he deserves better.

Ted DiBiase/R. Truth Ad

• That was fun.  I like the parody aspect, and the switch from it being about Ted to being about Truth.

Ted DiBiase with Virgil vs Yoshi Tatsu

• They got Ted entrance graphics! About damned time!
• THEY FOUND MIKE JONES!!!! Welcome back, Virgil.
• So much for Tatsu getting pushed.
• Dug the Virgil chant.  Virgil needs his old suit back.
• Not bad.  Here’s hoping Tatsu gets elevated soon.

Uh, King, you won’t see bald Punk on Raw.  Or any Punk for that matter.  He’s on Smackdown, dummy.

The Miz promo

• This walk and talk bit is pretty damned cool and the live crowd is able to laugh at themselves.
• I guess it’s sing along with The Miz.

No Disqualification or Count-out for the United States Championship: The Miz vs Bret “The Hitman” Hart

• So, can we rename it the Canadian National Championship again? (Note: Old guy reference.  Google “WCW Team Canada,” kids.)
• Regal and Kozlov as enforcers? Neat.
• And there’s The Hart Dynasty.  And Jericho.  And Nattie’s gonna work! Or not.  She did bail out pretty fast.
• Uh, Miz, Bret is the only living man that can reverse The Sharpshooter.  You know that, right?
• Or,  you can get hit with a missile drop kick and a Hart Attack.  Whatever works best for you.
• Seeing as how nobody was clamoring for the US Title, I’m okay with a retired guy winning it.  And it adds heat for the tag match at Over the Limit.
• Unless Miz gets it back somehow, this blows my Miz vs Danielson scenario.  Of course, Danielson is off NXT, so he wouldn’t have gotten the title shot anyway.

Santino Marella ad

• That was fun.  With the lack of actual commercials, there’s room for short chunks of gaga between every other match.

Six Diva Tag Team match: Michelle McCool, Layla and Maryse vs Eva and The Bella Twins

• Big pop for Maryse.  I love TO.
• Eve has a really cute smile.
• Layla face turn coming? She’s been Ricky Morton a lot recently, and it’s helped her work immensely.  Which agent/producer is working with the women now?
• That was probably the best women’s match they’ve had all year.  I credit The Bellas, an improved Layla and Maryse’s sick DDT.  Thanks ladies, for working so hard when it counts.

John Cena interview

• Interesting that he acknowledges that a number of fans just plain don’t like him.
• Really liked that promo.  I just hope it doesn’t become fodder for the Mankind vs The Rock finish from Royal Rumble 1999.

Pick Your Poison: Randy Orton vs Jack Swagger

• Why send Swagger? He has one victory over Orton.  One.  Why not send Taker or Batista?
• Hopefully they don’t deal Swagger another clean loss.
• Super tired of Orton doing The Garvin Stomp.  It was a dumb move to begin with.
• Is that the first time the DDT off the ropes has been countered?
• I was waiting for that Edge run-in.  Orton still RKOed Swagger, but he didn’t pin him.  I can live with that.  Edge speared Jericho a thousand times when Jericho was champ.
• There was a lot of great back and forth there.  If they keep Swagger as a top guy, I’d like to see a real program between Orton and Swagger, maybe with the roles reversed.

Buzz Aldrin segment/Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox interrupt/Evan Bourne and Gail Kim intro

• Our space program, Buzz? You’re in Toronto, pal.
• I have to wonder if Buzz has ever seen wrestling.
• “More superior,” Zack? I guess in addition to not knowing the English language, he hasn’t seen the video where Buzz cold cocks that moon landing doubter.
• Oh good, they have the video.  Buzz has a mean right cross.

Evan Bourne and Gail Kim vs Zack Ryder and Alicia Fox

• Good to see Gail wrestling in her hometown.
• Spotty, but fun as all hell.  Glad they gave Gail the finish.  Great rub for Bourne as well.
• Buzz has been a blast, no pun intended.

John Lovitz? Oh, boy.

Goldust ad

• Who’s this guy in the Geico ad parodies?
• Uh, this one was pretty creepy.

Sheamus vs John Cena

• No mic time for Sheamus? Why not? And why isn’t he booked for Sunday?
• I’m old school.  I prefer “Word life” to “U can’t see me.”
• I love this building.  Loudest boos for Cena yet.  To quote Maffew, Toronto does what they want.
• Hopefully this ends in a Batista run-in.  I don’t want to see all of Sheamus’ momentum revoked.
• “Let’s go Sheamus?” Only in TO.  Such a heel town.
• Dear Cena, sell something other than tee shirts, love Tom.
• There’s the run-in.  Sheamus  retains his heat.  Batista looks like a monster.
• Batista should follow these Spinebusters with his hold.  And he did.  Great way to end the show.

Excellent Raw, for Raw standards.  I like the whole show, from top to bottom.  My only qualms were Swagger not going over (but I have a feeling he gets one over on Big Show on Friday night), Mark Henry being a punching bag and that creepy Goldust thing.  Good use of the time to sell PPV.  I can’t watch the show live this weekend, but I will be writing it up as soon as I see it.